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The words we use matter. The words we use become the voice inside our heads, telling us about ourselves and the world around us. Words help us to communicate with others. Words are incredibly powerful and can change the mood, a moment and an entire relationship. During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, which takes place in October, it’s important to recognize the power that our words have when it comes to discussing and displaying love. The words we use matter.

Domestic violence is more than just physical abuse. Emotional-psychological abuse is a complex component of the abusive cycle. As a developmental family scientist, I study the ways in which families interact and communicate throughout the lifespan, from early childhood to old age. Albert Bandura (1977), a famous social psychologist, posited that we learn from observing the behavior and ways of being from others. This means that young people are watching those around them, learning the ways to be in the world. This means the way we speak to and treat ourselves and each other matters and teaches our children what to expect for themselves.

We learn a great deal about how to be in the world as young people growing up. The way we expect to be treated and spoken to often begins at home, whether it’s how we talk about behavior and expectations or how we treat each other in moments of frustration, words matter. This means that during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we need to focus on the ways that words and actions impact others, especially those we say we care about or love. The way we behave and speak to our children sticks with them throughout their lives and becomes the voices in their heads. If a child grows up in a home full of yelling, angry, demeaning words and negative talk, that becomes their expectation for communication, the way they speak to themselves and others.

In my home, we speak a great deal about what love “looks like.” We speak about how “love isn’t mean,” “love doesn’t try to hurt you or make you feel bad intentionally.” Love is kind, caring, uplifting and honest. Love’s actions match what it says, there is follow-through. Love is accountable and trustworthy. We have “models” of love all around us, in our homes, within our families and communities, on TV, in the models we hold up as aspirational, yet when it comes to popular media, the notion of “love” isn’t all that healthy. The idea of romance that we see in the movies is often a display of enough red flags to make a carnival tent, teaching us that unhealthy romance is, in fact, the “goal,” something to aspire to have with another. Yet, this “goal” perpetuates unhealthy expectations of what “love” looks like. 

We see things such as love-bombing, which is an emotional manipulation technique that involves excessive compliments, gifts, attention and affection with the intention of gaining the ability to control them. Love-bombing “looks” the way romance has been sold to many of us: lavish gift, over-the-top dates or events, someone who gives compliments, checks in on your location or what you’re doing, is jealous when you spend time with others. All these things that at the start of a relationship may feel “normal” or “romantic” but may, in fact, be red flags. One problem with love-bombing is that over time this positive idealized romance begins to change as the relationship becomes more comfortable, dependent, allowing people to let their guard down. This allows a controlling partner to begin to make demands of your time and energy, getting upset when you don’t focus on them. This is when gaslighting may begin, where your partner may begin to convince you their behavior (control, jealousy, anger, etc.) is completely normal and that you are overreacting. Now, there is a fine line between healthy attention-affection, especially at the outset of a new romance, and love-bombing or gaslighting. However, if that “love” evolves to jealousy, monitoring and control, it is no longer simply a display of love. This is the line that we need to help teach our children to discern for themselves. Children need to learn that love-bombing isn’t a display of genuine care and connection but an attempt to emotionally manipulate someone. We need to teach our young people the difference. 

During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, what can you do to help break the cycle? Well, there are lots of things you can do in the ways that you speak about love and romance that changes expectations. For example, love isn’t mean. Usually, in elementary school, you hear at some point, “Oh, that child likes you, that’s why they are being mean to you.” This language is problematic because it normalizes the notion that someone who cares about you would be intentionally mean as a display of care-love. We don’t want to teach our children this. We want our children to believe that someone who loves them will express kindness and concern, positivity, seeing our value, not demeaning us. As adults, we need to do better. We need to flip the script, and that starts with the idea that, LOVE ISN’T MEAN.

To learn more about Domestic Violence Awareness Month and breaking cycles of relationship violence, please reach out to the HopeTeam@unr.edu.

ÁùºÏ±¦µä the author

Pamela B. Payne, Ph.D., CFLE is an associate professor in Human Development Family Science and Extension, with an appointment in the interdisciplinary social psychology doctoral program. Payne’s work focuses on building healthy relationships and educating those who work with families in a variety of settings.